So I’ve been thinking…mostly about how wooder ice is made and whether the chicken did in fact come before the egg, but also a bit about the greatest display of physical fitness of all time. That’s right, I’m talking about the Gritty 5K.
If you thought it was a no go for this year, think again!
Much like my good friends the Joe Bros, this 5K is going into the future. Get your headsets, tune your dial-up modems, get that RAM ready, delete your browser history – we’re going virtual.
It’s pretty simple. Run, or don’t. Just tell us you did. For charity.
It works like this: take your phone, and run. Or, pretend to. Put it on your dog, strap it to your bike. Give it to someone else you see running and tell them to bring it back. Leave it on your bumper and pray for friction. Chase down an irreverent squirrel and let it go. Tape it to a frisbee, clang a little chain. Or, if you’re a tryhard and actually want to run this thing, buff up those earpods (no free ads) and show the haters who has the best dad-bod in the neighborhood.
Between you and me, there’s something I need to briefly address. I saw some of you dress up like me for last year’s run, and that was pretty cool. But I just have to say, be better. You know who you are. Not to name names, but don’t insult my perfectly groomed coif and brows with your craft store pom pom hoopla, Mark. I DO have faith in this year’s crop of “costumes” though, and I’m willing to give yous guys a second chance. Dress like no one’s watching – however, I will be judging.
Listen, I hate running as much as the next Grit. But there’s nothing that brings people together more than me, and hating running for a good cause. Look how much Forrest Gump did for his community.
So get out there! Life is like a box of chocolates.
STEPS TO RUN THE VIRTUAL 5K
1. Clickity clack your computer to this link to register for my race. You’ll be able to get some super cool Gritty items to add on if you want. You really should add them on. Peer pressure.
2. Call the Apple Genius Bar and ask if they can send you any run tracking app. That is where you’ll be able to track your run (no cheating) and submit it to the official Gritty 5K group.
3. Get your hot glue gun and everything orange that you own so you can create the greatest paper-mache version of me to wear while you run.
4 (optional step). Train to run 3.1 miles.
5. From September 17 through September 20, put it all together and run that race, Gritizens! Find a trail, a park, a room large enough to take four or five steps in, and flip on your run track app. Dr. Fauci also told me to tell you to please keep it distant, fam.
6. Once you’re done, share with the world how average your run was here.
7. FINALLY (this is exhausting, I know) show my friends @FlyersCharities how much fun you had pretending to be me on social media and wait patiently for your prize.